wasn’t mine

Having to go back to a house that wasn’t mine, using a bike that wasn’t mine, to sleep in a room that wasn’t mine, to try to talk to a mother that didn’t feel like mine, made me want to hold on at least one thing that was familiar. It wasn’t necessarily the right thing to hold on to, but it was something. Or so I thought.

I didn’t need to asked twice for a hug. I longed for a hug. My mom’s hug. But she wasn’t a hugger. Maybe she jus felt awkward having somebody physically so close. She wasn’t a comfortable person and so had no comfort to give to anybody else. It’s just like words of advice, you can’t give them unless you have them. I don’t think it means she didn’t care. I never felt she didn’t care. Well, okay, maybe I did, a few times. Or so I thought. And maybe it is just me, not her. Or maybe it is the both of us.

Coming across places that wasn’t anybody’s, I wanted to make it mine.

Trees, skies, mountains, seas, beaches, roads.. Well, God have them. Like He always have me.

I hunkered down under the tree, pressed my ear against its raw skin and closed my eyes. I don’t know what I was listening for, I don’t know what I was doing, trying to comfort a tree? but it was what I did anyway. I took my cellphone out of my pocket, hit the button, then tadaaa… It was a very nice foot picture I have then. I kept them, then slowly rose and stepping back home. Which is technically wasn’t my home.

I lay in bed, wide awake, and stared at the room that was now partially my room. It didn’t seem very mine; I wondered if it would ever feel ‘mine’. I smiled. One day I’ll went away, is it for another strange room, in another family, or I’ll just get back home with my own. Or I might find my own place, my own room, for the first time ever. I finally found it really funny. My stuff, my body’s tracks were all over this room. Why isn’t felt a little bit more familiar? That question drop a smile on my face, which mockingly suggest reality that just isn’t so like what I had hoped for.

Not to mention, when I woke up feeling more tired than before I went to bed, all I wanted to do was lie in bed all morning, all day. But, that wasn’t going to happen. Seriously. There is always something to be done early every morning.


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